I need to write better ads for an Owner.

Now, maybe THESE are the ads (all REAL) that i should be putting in the personals:


Tired of feeling patronized by these ads? Then I'm  not the woman for you little man. Today you may be benighted and insignifigant, tomorrow you will be more so. now off with you.. Box XXX


Blah Blah Blah whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box XXX


You should know that by placing this ad I've lowered my expectations considerably.  Now even you're in with a chance. Don't blow it by mentioning your mother and your predilictions for army types. Woman, 46, accustomed to dissappointment, but not this much. Box XXX



Meet the new me. Like the old me only less nice after three ads without any sexual intercourse. 42 year old fruitcake. Box XXX



Toilet Duties. that's where you come in-buxom, 22 year old blonde stereotype not shy of adjusting the surgical stocking of 73- year old misanthrope with poor bladder control. Failing that, just send care home brochures. Box XXX


I wonder if Clive James reads these. And if he is, would he find me attractive enough to write to? Hope not, I'm after early twnties stud muffin capable of obscene bedroom gymnastics. Woman, 74, living in perpetual hope (and a care home in Pendle) WLTM nearest thing in a Easy Up Chair equipped bungalow. Box XXX

Congradulations! You are the thousandth reader to pass by this ad. Your reward is to pay for dinner and listen to me bitch about my collegues until the bars close. And no, you don't get sex.
Ever. Ever,ever,ever.  Sensitive F, 42, Box  XXX

These and 40,000 more... here.